when i want to really whine,
i may just find myself posting heretonight i really want to whine. i just want to get it all out. i want to be heard but not judged. wish me well there.
there's just so much i don't understand right now. well, most of the time actually. but there seems to be a significant influx of things i don't get as of late.
my emotions are wonderful and stupid all at the same time. i'm dwelling in the vicinity of stupid at this time.
it takes the strangest little things to send me off into a place of feeling really down on myself. into an internal world, trying to figure out what in the world must be wrong with me. for all the moments where i just don't fit in, there is occasionally a moment that is just one moment too many.
there's nothing quite like learning about people through others. finding out how they are with people they actually like and enjoy. and then i get to compare and contrast that with how it seems they are with me. yes, then i feel so good about myself. not.
then i feel worse because my worth should not be tied up in the behaviour others, no matter how compelling the evidence is against me. it jus' don' make no sense.
and then there are actual people (not to be confused with actual non-people) who want to spend time with me or get to know me. how amazing is that? and yet there is nothing simple in any of those relationships either.
am i looking for simple? heck no. should i be looking for logic? oh probably not. but i know some things that you don't know. some of the complexities are seriously complex. others are just weird or unique. but man, those dumb complex complexities really throw a wrench in things.
why can't i just find what i need? not what i think i need, or want to need, or need to want, or whatever. but really locate and grab onto what i need.
God's taking care of the needs. and the wants too in many cases. so what's my problem?
posted by olivepeople @ 11:18 PM
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