hardness
and we look and see how hard we've all become
and we look and see how easily it comes
and we look and see how much it's come undone....
break my hardness
shatter it and see its pieces fall to the ground
break my hardness
protect the softness beneath that is found
break my hardness
preserve my mind and keep me sound
take my hardness
and break it down
hidden
layers
tragedies
minor earth-shattering things
aloneness
absence
truth
quality of life
quality of anything at all
broken
crushed inside
losing pieces, but gaining new ones
uncertain
year of favour
promises to cling to
dreams to grip
tired
not lies
but not openness
and not easy
fear
faith
feeble framed
freaking out
struggling
questions
hopes of being wrong
moving on
living life one way or another
hollow
stuck asking "why me?" a few too many times
wondering why this lot in life is mine /
really just wanting to find my way through
realising that it might not be something you can do /
wishing somehow we could just get on with things
and see what those circumstances would bring /
people tell me it will all be okay
even if they're wrong, i still want that day /
no one sees the pain... none of the kinds
and ain't it great, each kind is all mine /
i suppose it would be worse if i could not feel
but it would also be better if all this was not real /
and again, i know that it could all be so much worse
but no thanks to Miss Eve for leaving us "the curse"
late night ramble and release
beyond the days i'm counting out,
the number yet unknown,
is a place that could be just like here -
only many miles from home.
i will not simply try to say:
"everything will be fine"
but somehow with each step i take
i know that it is just time.
does this make a lick of sense to you,
the person who now reads?
well likely not, but that's okay.
i'm only planting seeds.
when all is known and understood -
the facts behind these thoughts.
perhaps you'll get what's going on.
then again, maybe not.
the only Truth that i will claim
is the Truth that sets me free.
without that Truth i'm really lost,
but with it - i'm the most 'me'.
and all at once, i give it all
aware i have no clue
of all the things that really takes
and what it means i'll do.
but just as Jesus served and loved
that's what i emulate.
it's neither here nor there... circle nor square...
it's a beautiful, glorious fate.
in Him i stand, in Him i rest
no matter what, He knows what's best
and i will trust in Jesus Christ
and offer up my sacrifice.
may He burn it up with holy fire
and see His will my one desire
and keep me safe in His design.
no worries now - His love is mine.
death of the donna dimension
the donna dimension is dead
this is no longer the outer reaches... it is the only reach. it is its own entity entirely. it was before, but now it really is on its own.
it isn't too hard to let go of the old website. even though there is hope of recovering the years that make up a significant online body of work, i really don't care too much. there will be a new site one day. and it will be something else entirely.
next? death to self, i hope. maybe letting the old site die is a helpful step. if you had any idea what all i am afraid of, what all i am considering as well as being lead into... you'd maybe be scared for me. but nothing is the same anymore anyway. why should i expect it to be?
so how much do i love this God i claim to serve? to trust? to adore? He's already started asking this... and the questions are getting more pointed. man, it's going to be an interesting journey, this life that is no longer mine....
Another test
Another blog from Flock.... too cool for words.
Blogged with Flock
argh
how does it happen that i always end up where i don't want to be? how is it that situations just are stupid and i have no control over them? and even when i do, i mess them up somehow anyway? what is my problem? i am tired and want to go home. but going to bed will have to do for tonight.
tick tick tick
i feel as though my pining has been a total waste of time. and yet i keep up with it anyway. kind of silly, really.
it hit me tonight that i put a lot of time into pining after others when i don't honestly know whether there is any point. i apparently have a severe case of insecurity. why do i get so hung up on guys that i don't really even know? because i get stuck in the angst of it all: why don't i ever get to know them? why don't they have any interest in me? what's wrong with me? a series of ridiculous questions that make me feel horrible about myself.
tonight, the thing that makes me feel horrible is that i always seem to get stuck on guys that send me spiraling into these kinds of questions and self-confidence issues. why do i do that?! it's not that there is anything inherently wrong with these guys, necessarily, but that i just don't seem to do so well at letting go of the crazy ideas that i get into my head about some of them. then again, is it really so crazy that some guy might actually like me some day? some guy that i could honestly like back? maybe not... so... crazy... but still seemingly far off...
and i can't believe i just posted this on the internet.
